I live a busy life. I don’t have time to look out for someone else besides myself.
That’s why the idea of having no strings attached to someone, but still getting the physical benefits of a relationship, sounded like a deal I wouldn’t want to pass up. It was exciting and secretive (as I didn’t tell any of my close friends), and for a while, I thought that this fling wouldn’t harm me in the slightest.
Unfortunately, my feelings had taken advantage of my confidence, and I ended up falling for my friend with benefits: my boy best friend.
For the purpose of secretive storytelling, we’ll call him Samuel.
My and Samuel’s relationship had always been purely platonic. We met each other when we were seven and became inseparable throughout high school. I always thought he was unconventionally handsome, but it never crossed my mind that he would see me the same way. One afternoon during our senior year of high school, after failed attempts to date other people, we got together to watch a movie and laugh our troubles away.
About 30 minutes after the movie started, we got bored and started a game of truth or dare. Without thinking about the possible consequences, I dared him to kiss me.
I don’t know why I did it. Maybe it was because I felt like no other girl was worthy of becoming his first kiss except me. He kissed me without hesitation, and that’s when I realized this feeling was reciprocated.
We started hanging out more and more. I would occasionally take him shopping, and he would invite me over for dinner. We would buy each other gifts up to the point of getting a diamond as my birthday present. During parties, we would sneak out and find a quiet place to make out without our friends noticing, only to later on, keep dancing together in front of everyone.
Things escalated quickly. Kissing became touching, and, for me, it became personal. Even though I had some experience, it had never been with someone I wasn’t able to call my boyfriend.
I became Samuel’s first everything, and I felt proud to hold that title. However, in my mind, I wanted to believe that he was fine doing all of this because there was love and he didn’t realize it yet.
And so, after a night of drinks and recklessness, I confessed my love for him in our friend’s bathroom. As you might expect, he didn’t feel the same way and told me he thought we were “just having fun.”
I couldn’t be mad. He was right, and we made it clear from the start. So I had to swallow the fact that our friendship ended right there, on that bathroom floor.
Fortunately, Samuel is the sweetest boy I’ve ever met and is never afraid of telling me how he feels. He called me the morning after to talk about what happened, and me, being ashamed and borderline heartbroken, told him I was drunk and it felt right at the time.
He sounded relieved and we promised each other that we should stay friends to avoid things like this. “I don’t want to lose you,” he said. But we were young and full of hormones, meaning our break didn’t last very long.
Our hookups became frequent and eventually we lost our virginities to each other. My feelings for him were still present, but I decided to ignore it. Personally, it helped me detach myself from the idea that we were meant to be together
At the end of high school, we won “most likely to get married” in the school yearbook. Funny right? Things ended after a year, but Samuel and I are still best friends. We call each other every night because we can’t see each other in person.
He says he doesn’t like me that way, but tells me he loves me before I go to bed. I realized that even though he finds me attractive, and I’m the girl he lost his virginity to, it takes so much more for him to feel romantic love for me.
I don’t regret it, but I don’t advise it. If you’re considering hooking up with your best friend in hopes that he’ll like you back, don’t. You might not be lucky enough to have a friend that empathizes with you and considers your feelings even if he doesn’t have to. Believe me, if he was interested, he would’ve done something by now. I don’t recommend wasting time on something that could potentially ruin a life-long friendship.